I titled this Blog “Being Claudia B.”, because this is where I am in life. My current path is one of redemption. I lost myself. I lost myself a long time ago. So long ago that I never even noticed that it happened. Well I shouldn’t say I didn’t notice. I did notice. I noticed it when I realized that I didn’t feel alive inside anymore. You know the kind of alive you feel when you’re doing the thing that you love. I haven’t felt that on a consistent basis since I was about 17 years old. I’ve suffered depression many years now because I wasn’t living from my core.
I mean I did try, I honestly did try to. I did things that I like to do but it was always attached to some negative feeling. For example when I used to sing, it was attached to the negative of never feeling good enough for my leader.
I married young, had kids young, and have primarily been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years of my life. I have worked throughout the years but never in my intended career field. I went to college but life and hardships caused me not to finish. Also I never studied what I really wanted to. I went for nursing because that’s what my patents wanted for me and to pursue financial stability for my son, but I really have a passion for business and marketing. Everyone I wanted to go back to school something stood in the way of that.
Now here I am 30 years old with nothing to show but 3 kids (don’t get it twisted, they are my best accomplishment) and now a failed marriage. I have no degree, no credentials, no substantial work history. I currently spend my days caring for my baby and my two boys and doing part time work on the weekends while they’re with their dad. This is my life. The rug has been pulled out from underneath me and I’m struggling as gracefully as possible for my children’s sake to find my footing.
However, I’ve never been one to back down from a battle. I spend a lot of time analyzing every decision I made since I graduated high school, simply to understand how I got here. I spend a lot of time feeling stuck and hopeless. But I’ve come to understand that’s just fear. Fear of the unknown. the fear that results from the loss of my comfy place. I know that fear comes from not having stability within myself and not trusting myself. Because as much as I love myself and know myself. I’ve come to realize I don’t love myself or know myself the way I should. I’m a grown ass woman that never took the time to develop self love, healthy selfishness, healthy self esteem etc.
So this is why Being Claudia B. was born. I’m starting life over at 30 with 3 kids in tow. I didn’t ask for this but sometimes the best gifts are the ones we never knew we needed. I decided that I will take that time to heal. I will learn self love. I will take adventures. I will follow my heart. I will pursue my wildest dreams. I will live my life. I will live from my core, by simply me, Being Claudia B.
I write because it heals me, It gives my butterflies, It’s how I leap in the face of fear. It frees me, it is my testimony.